Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Mommy Guilt

Hi, all! I hope this day finds you doing well! I am sorry that I have been absent. You know, as a mom, I shouldn't make the promises that I will blog more often because life is just so unpredictable! I will try to keep up my end of the deal but no promises. I will be updating on baby news soon, we go for our ultrasound today! I am just hoping for a healthy baby, gender doesn't matter, but that doesn't take the excitement away.

Briefly, in other news, we have been busy! We have grieved the loss of one of our twins, but God has been very close to us, and been a comfort in the the toughest times of dealing with our loss. But we do find extreme joy in the fact that we still have one healthy baby. We only have one thing that our lives seem to revolve around these days, and that is selling our house! We have been talking about it for about a year, and when we were planning on two babies, we decided it was time to put the house on the market, and although life has changed that outcome, we have decided to move closer to town so that I can continue to teach my music lessons out of the home rather than traveling throughout the week to teach and hauling my kiddos and dinner along with me. So say a prayer that our house sells soon! Every time we leave the house, we try to leave it spotless, just in case the house is shown. We have a little bit of interest so far. You can imagine how easy and effortless it must be to keep a house clean with two toddlers!

But onto what is on my mind today: Mommy guilt.

This topic has been on my mind a lot lately, so I decided to write my thoughts out just because I know that I can't be the only one who goes through this process!

In case you didn't know, "mommy guilt" -- it's a thing. You know, you have a baby, and all of a sudden you are conscience of your every move, wondering if you have done it right, and God-forbid if you didn't, did you scar your child forever?? I believe every parent wants to know they did what was right/best for their kids. And we utilize every source that we can come up with to make the most informed decision. Probably a good idea, since I believe children are one of the most precious gifts we have been given. Can you imagine the pressure, Mary, mother of Jesus felt?? Here's the Savior of the world, no pressure, just raise Him to be the Messiah... no biggie, right??

In my opinion, social media has only fueled the fire lately in trying to show what is best for our kids. (Ironic that I'm going to complain about it on social media, right?) I think we are very blessed to live in an age where we are able to "google" anything that comes to our mind, almost in real time (ok that's the scary part) and be given a plethora of information on whatever topic hits our mind. Our social media feeds are littered with articles and information on the latest everything! For the sake of my post, littered with the latest articles and information on parenting tactics, feeding choices, and proper ways to deal with children. Although some of these articles are beneficial, I fear that we have lost our sense of ability to discern good information vs. bad information.

I fear that when we decide on the best parenting decision for our family, we defend it to the bitter end, only to deeply wound others who are struggling with similar decisions. And all in the name of fear. Fear that if we admit there is another path that leads to the same beneficial outcome, we have made a mistake ourselves. It's time to put fear aside. Yes, parenting is a freaking scary thing. Just trying to help raise, shape and mold a person, no biggie right?? But if you are a Christian, and I realize that not all of my friends are, but if you hold Christ as Lord of your life, you need to lay your fears down outside the door of your house and trust Him to take care of you, your family, and any decision making in your life. You need to allow others to do the same without pressuring them to do the same things that you have done. If you claim Christ in your life and show that you don't trust Him, you weaken your faith, and your witness to those with whom you share your faith. We don't always get it right, but if we make it our only priority to seek Christ's counsel, I do believe that we will make right decisions. Unfortunately the bible does not address breast feeding, sleep training, and other "life" decisions with children, but he does tell us to "come unto Him, all who are heavy burdened" and to "cast our anxiety on Him, because He cares for us."

When you are asked to share what you have done with your kids, count it as a blessing, as someone has either seen good qualities in you or your kids, (that or they are so desperate and sleep deprived that they would ask anyone -- but go with the first reason...). But when you impart your wisdom, go in knowing that the parent may not choose the same thing that you did. Maybe they will take away pieces and parts of your tactic, but make sure that you give the same understanding you wanted to receive when you yourself were going through that time in your life.

Back to my social media vent. I do enjoy reading articles about parenting, etc. I like to know what others are thinking, what someone thinks is best  because sometimes you can take something beneficial away whether or not you agree with whatever article is presented or not. One of the things that irritates me the most, and I alluded to it earlier, is that we as people seem to lack the ability to discern good information and bad information. Just because you read every article that litters your news feed, doesn't mean that it was a legitimate article. Even though I like "me" -- a blog post is not a definitive resource. It is someone's opinion, just like what I am sharing with you today. Yes, you can take credibility from who the source is from, but in general, blogs are opinions. Next, look at study groups. If someone is claiming to have found something that works for "majority" of kids, if they only tested 50-100 people... do really think that the generalization they are claiming as truth can really be applied to all? Was the test group contain different ethnicity, backgrounds, etc? What can really be determined by the group that was used? Decide ahead of time, what resources you can trust. There are a million things that can credit or discredit a source, yet we seem to repost and trust all of Joe-Schmoe's broad generalizations about how to raise our kids. I'm not going to lie, I become very anxious and guilty when I read articles that go against what I have done with my kids. And I'm not very far into this parenting journey, but according to everything I read from my newsfeed, I am already dooming my kids to failure as adults. It is very scary. Lately, I have just avoiding opening articles because I don't want to fight the questions and guilt that may arise. When I do read these articles, I try to remember the things that I have decided to make an article credible, and try to put my opinions aside and maybe I'll learn something.

I'm not pointing my fingers at anyone. My "friends" online are made of up folks in similar places in life, and I see tons of articles. Nor will I ever tell you not to post something you are passionate about, or believe is best, but don't force feed anyone. And don't belittle folks who don't find your source credible. My favorite line, I see it a handful of times each week, "we are just parents trying to make the best possible decisions with the information we are given..." Yes! That is the goal of every parent, but on each side of the table, there are people defending their point of view to the point that we belittle one another along the way. You can almost see the person behind the screen rolling their eyes as they say these things. Clearly we have chosen the best information and they just don't know what's good for them! At least that's what I see, but maybe I'm just a pessimist.

I say all of the above to say this. Mom's and Dad's need help! It is so tough to raise a kid! You will always question your parenting skills, and honestly, I think that is good that you are aware of the gravity of the situation you have been put in as a parent. DO ask questions. DO find the best options for your family. Do NOT make someone else feel bad for the decisions that they make regarding their families/children just because it is different from your own. Be SMART! Know credible sources from hogwash. (Yes, I just said hogwash) Most importantly, LOVE and SUPPORT other parents, because they are just as tired and anxious making decisions as you are! It's time that we stand together as parents and remember how hard it is to make decisions regarding your children. Just as a caveat, not that my blog reaches lots of people, (who would read it anyway, I don't even grammar check, this is basically just for me) but I am not talking about supporting parents who are clearly abusing their children. I don't think it needed to be said, but it's the world we live in. Someone would send me a nasty note telling me that I hate children and don't want to save them from a bad situation in the name of letting parents make their own decisions. NOT TRUE! So I wrote it.

Maybe you are curious as to why I have felt a ton of mommy-guilt. I will try to, briefly, tell you the things that I have done that are apparently controversial. According to what I read, I am a terrible mother for the things that I have done. However, I receive lots of compliments on my children, they healthy, they are happy, and we are thriving.

1. I do not breastfeed. GASP! Yes, it's true. Even the formula can mocks me when I'm up preparing a bottle in the middle of the night, it says breast is best. Well, some of us are not blessed to physically be able to feed in this "natural" way. I'm not going to get into the details here, but I tried with my first, and couldn't. But when my second baby came along, and I didn't even try, despite not physically able to, I was a terrible mom. I clearly don't want what is best for my kids. (If you are curious as to why, you can ask, I'm just not going to put all the details up here.) Apparently, my kids will never be able to fight off common germs and childhood diseases. Nothing like kicking someone when they are already down. Apparently, I will never have a secure bond with my children. I think if you know my kids, so far these claims are 100% hogwash. My kids are happy, healthy, and they like me most days. So far we have 2 kids beating the odds.

2. I sleep train. I sleep train early. Yes, I do a bit of the cry it out. Again, so no one dials their phone to DSS to them I neglect my kids, I do not mean all out screaming and crying tears of frustration because they were left alone. My  kids fussed in their beds. They learned to sleep early and are well adjusted. Despite the articles that claim that they will never be comfortable, socially anxious, have trouble forming relationships, and all the other things that are said about sleep training and crying. My kids both have slept through the night by 8 weeks and I am extremely proud of that. A well rested mom is also the best thing for kiddos during the day, especially if that momma suffers from anxiety, high BP etc. My kids love people and are forming relationships. Stop telling me I'm scarring my kids for life. I didn't neglect them, they didn't scream their heads off because they "needed" me. My choice.

3. I buy second hand. Yes, apparently you can't wash things and will give your child a horrible disease if you buy some of their toys, furniture and clothes second hand. It's all well and good that I consign/donate my kid's things, but I'm not supposed to buy used. I believe in frugality, making the most of what God has blessed me with ... and I don't know if you have heard of it...but we have a washing machine... and bleach! (And yes, I do have friends that tell me I'm poisoning my children by having bleach in the home.)

4. I didn't buy the most expensive car seat on the market so we will probably all die in a fiery crash.

5. My kids are so unhealthy from breastfeeding that I had to turn them forward facing early because of their height/weight that I have literally had strangers in parking lots tell me I'm going to kill my children because they are forward facing too early. Despite being ok by the car seat's standards. I have big kids, and the day when I found one of my children soaked through clothes and diapers, covered in heat rash because of the heat of the summer, and slightly lethargic even with the air full  blast, they got turned around.

These are just a few of the things that have been on my  mind. Again, sorry that it's long, but it was on my mind and I needed to blow off some steam. If I have ever made you feel bad for a parenting decision, shame on me, and I do sincerely apologize. I just feel the deep need, as of lately, that we need to lift eachother up, give honest opinions, but more importantly give love, support, hugs, and grace to other parents. It's rough out there!

No comments:

Post a Comment